Friday, February 09, 2007
I promise there is a point at the end of all the rambling.
Today is Friday, which means that it is time for my Friday weigh in. I'm still at a 6lb loss, but let me assure you that that is nothing short of a miracle considering the enormous amounts of food I've been consuming here lately. And also, I may as well be flushing fourty dollars a month down the toilet instead of sending it to my local YMCA.

This is much harder than I expected. I've tried diets before, and they've never worked. But the reason for that was because I would finally decide that I wasn't all that unhappy with my body, so I would just stop worrying about it. But this time, I am definitely not happy with my body. I am uncomfortable in my own skin, I despise shopping for clothes, I can't keep my jeans from falling down because my waistline is just as wide as my hips, and I avoid mirrors because I can't stand to look at my double chin. I also avoid cameras, so there are probably a total of 5 pictures of Aeralyn and I together since she has been born. And summer is right around the corner, which means I will be forced to wear short sleeved shirts that display my flabby, un-toned arms. And once again, I will be sweating to death because I refuse to wear shorts. I haven't put a pair of shorts on my body to wear out in public since the summer before I started college. That has been five years ago. And I don't think I need to remind you that it is HOT around here people. But I'm doing it for you, all of you, so you won't have to look at my flabby thighs. So really, you should be grateful to me for that.

Last night I actually had a nightmare about shopping for a swim suit. I have come to the conclusion that I will not be able to wear a bikini this year. In fact, I might never be able to wear one again, but I am okay with that. The only problem is that I'm not even looking forward to wearing a swim suit period. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just wear one in the comfort of my own backyard while taking Aeralyn swimming in the pool. I can handle that. What I cannot handle is wearing one in front of all of my in laws when we go out in the boat several times over the summer. I could just not go, but that's not fair to Aeralyn because I know she will enjoy it.

And I'm becoming a little bitter about the whole issue too. I had to stop myself from screaming at someone (who will remain nameless because it's not fair to call her out on here): "WELL I WILL TRY NOT TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP TONIGHT FOR ALL YOUR TERRIBLE PROBLEMS!!" all because she told me of her dillemma of buying the smallest pair of shorts that a certain store had, and they were still too big. The poor poor thing. I'm sure that is a real problem, but I'm sure it would still be much easier to solve than mine. I should have offered her some Oreo's. I'll bet that would have fixed her problem right there.

See what I mean about the bitterness? It is taking me over.

I know I should stop acting like a total brat and pretending that being fat is the end of the world. I know that much worse things could be happening to me right now. I really do know that. But what I also know is this: if I don't do something about it now, then I will be faced with much worse problems later down the road. My father had high cholesterol, numerous hear attacks and high blood pressure. My grandmother also had high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and a few strokes. So I don't exactly come from a genetic gold mine here people. And I know that I would like to be around for a long LONG time for Aeralyn's sake.

So, since obviously doing all this for my sake isn't working, I'm going to have to change my reasoning. I'm now doing all this for Aeralyn's sake. All so she can have a healthy mommy that will be here for years to come, and so her children can have a grandmother. Also, I want to teach her much better eating habits than what I learned growing up. I will definitely not let her sit down in front of the TV with a tube of Pringles and let her eat the whole thing. Yes, my dad let me do that. No, I'm not blamig him for all my weight issues, though, wouldn't that be so much easier now that I think of it?

Now if I don't go to the gym regularly, I will be letting Aeralyn down. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is. I hope this works.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather, Honey, give yourself a break Number 1, the stress is not good for you. Number 2 take a look around at your family. Who's the closest skinniest blood relative that you have who by the way has a child? Your not a teenager anymore, your a woman now. Accept life as it is and go on. Be happy. Quit stressing out on your weight and just enjoy that little sugarplum you have growing so quickly before you. She will love you no matter what as we all will. I don't mean to sound mean but life is what it is. Embrace it and enjoy it. Love you! Barbara

Blogger Alicia said...

I will be there soon. Together we will go to the Gym and be some smokin' hott women for our men, and some heathly livin mama's for our girls. How's that sound?

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